Survivor Retrospective: Guatemala

Rating: 2/10

Guatemala was one of the worst seasons in Survivor history. Casting continued its inexplicable fixation on mundane rednecks, failing to locate a single compelling castaway. The location's oppressive heat and mosquitoes debilitated its inhabitants. The champion appeared to be a worthy winner, but her confessionals were too discreet to confirm any acumen. Guatemala did hatch the franchise's greatest twist - the hidden immunity idol - but producers hadn't yet figured out how to cinematize it. Ultimately the season had no dramatic nucleus; it was just a string of episodes featuring undeveloped characters culminating in one of them winning a million bucks.

Bobby Jon and Stephenie came straight from previous season Palau to Guatemala, though a filming delay between the seasons meant the new cast was aware of their exploits. Neither returning player received as heroic an edit, with Bobby Jon navigating to the Merge and Stephenie all the way to Final Tribal. Steph led the season in screentime, the closest approximation to a Guatemala tour guide. The season's most interesting confessionals came courtesy of excitable Brian, but he was voted out before the Merge. Former NFL quarterback Gary Hogeboom provided some tenacity and some intrigue in hiding his celebrity, quickly amplified when sports radio host Danni recognized him. The only other player worthy of screentime and capable of hanging with cerebral modern players was third-place Rafe, but his edit felt muted. None of them ever got real tour guide treatment; Stephenie was supposed to be the star, but she grew wearisome to her fellow castaways and the audience.

In lieu of true heroes and villains, Guatemala gave us boorish Judd and mean Jamie. Judd flipped on his original tribe, which lasted just three eliminations before a disorienting swap. Judd aligned with Steph, Jamie, Rafe, Lydia and Cindy to form a solid alliance with a perplexing, under-analyzed mix of personalities. The alliance held staunch until turning on Jamie for his paranoia and cruelty. 

But the last of the other tribe, Danni, slipped through the cracks. She survived the Jamie vote, then spent all her auction money on an advantage that helped her win a must-win immunity. With five left, Cindy won a car in a challenge. She was given an option to give the other four cars instead, but shockingly, selfishly chose her own car. It wasn't free after all, but adorned with an Iron Price sticker revealed at the next Tribal. Like most of the cast, it was unclear why Cindy was chosen to be on the show in the first place. Rafe won four immunities, but faltered in the final endurance challenge. Victorious Danni took Steph to Final Tribal and defeated her in a 6-1 vote.

Guatemala is most remembered for introducing the Hidden Immunity Idol upon the Merge. But Guatemala couldn't even get that twist right. In its first iteration, castaways had to reveal the Idol before voting. Gary did at one Tribal, surprising everyone including the audience: the edit elected not to show his discovery of the idol for climactic shock value. But that simply meant the dominant alliance had to vote out Bobby Jon first and tackle Gary a couple votes later.

The Idol may be Guatemala's most memorable aspect, but the hardheaded casting probably should be. It was literally all white people. Few of them were capable of innovative thinking, fewer of articulating it. Sickeningly, a "previously on" referred to the Nakúm tribe as "celebrating their diversity." After 41 and 42, Guatemala makes for a distressing watch: as aesthetically monochrome as its cast was, it displayed even less mental diversity.

Survivor Retrospective: Vanuatu

Rating: 4.5/10

It's funny to look back on Vanuatu in the context of the new school strategic warfare of Winners at War, 41 and 42. Whereas those entertaining, unpredictable seasons were filled with diverse, likable and mentally competitive characters, Vanuatu was stocked with sluggish rednecks. Whether it was lazy casting or a misguided allegiance to Average Joe, Vanuatu begged the question more than other season: Why cast dumb and boring folks when you could choose smart and interesting players? Generally dismissed as one of Survivor's weakest seasons, Vanuatu and its winner have been misremembered as doltish. The ninth season's endgame was actually quite cunning and its champion may be the most underrated in franchise history.

Vanuatu's theme was a repeat of the gendered tribal division pioneered in The Amazon. The men appeared fairly unified, but voting revealed a split between a stronger, younger faction and a crew of old rednecks. Drill sergeant Lea "Sarge" was the edit's swing vote, and he went with the 'necks. The men voted off some of their strongest players, including hunky FBI agent Brady. With shots of blazing volcanoes, an actual earthquake and a number of bodacious babes, prehistoric Vanuatu hankered for HD.

Little else of note took place until a tribal swap, flinging confessional favorite Rory behind enemy lines. Rory wriggled out of an all-female jam, but relations with female Queen Ami soured and she targeted him first after the merge. Road worker Twila and future Jeff Probst girlfriend Julie, who'd made inroads with the men in their swap, shocked them by rejoining the women to oust Rory in a straight gender line vote. Ami won that battle as well as the right to be Vanuatu's only returning player; Rory and the eventual champion are still waiting for casting's call.

Sarge then busted, with savvy Ohio road builder Chris joining the women and covering his tracks with a lie Sarge asked him to vote him out. Respected amputee Chad went next, leaving Chris as the last man standing along with six women. But Chris wasn't the target; it was gabby law student Eliza. Twila and her ally Scout pulled off a stunning flip when they joined Chris and Eliza to oust LeAnn. Season star Ami was toppled next, leaving an uninspiring but shrewd final five. 

Left for dead just two votes before, Chris rebounded to power as the swing vote between Twila/Scout and Eliza/Julie. He opted to go with the older rural ladies, betraying his friend Julie but later regaining her vote with a doleful apology at Final Tribal. Chris, who'd pathetically lost the first challenge for the men, won the last two individual immunities and chose caustic Twila as his opponent. The Final Tribal combatants had a lot in common: both were highway construction workers from the Midwest, keen, cagey and hellbent on the million bucks. Chris pulled off his betrayals with more tact and compassion and orated more profoundly at Final Tribal, though Twila's plaintive performance was also compelling. It was a scintillating Final Tribal, followed by Jeff Probst's most ludicrous journey to the studio. Chris won 5-2.

Chris has wrongly been remembered as an undeserving champion - or perhaps just the least feeble castaway of an underwhelming season. In fact, Chris craftily navigated a handful of dynamic social situations that would have slain weaker or prouder players. His confessionals displayed unwavering Hatch-like acumen and purpose from day one. His gameplay was airtight. He grew physically and mentally stronger as the game progressed. He forged relationships, capitalized on and betrayed them when necessary and regained their votes at Final Tribal. While the stratagems of Vanuatu don't hold a candle to the modern game, Chris's camouflaged cunning would keep him in contention for any Survivor season.

Survivor Retrospective: Blood vs. Water

Rating: 4.5/10

Blood vs. Water was the rare Survivor season where the cast failed to live up to the promise of the theme. Blood vs. Water cleverly pitted a tribe of ten returning players against a tribe of ten new players - each a family member of one of the returning players. Circumstances developed just as producers hoped, with alliances forming along and against bloodlines, culminating in the coveted moment of one family member voting another out. But the largely insipid cast didn't provide the strategy or articulation necessary to reinforce the drama.

Blood vs. Water rehashed the double elimination of Redemption Island, a secondary gimmick that raised the excitement of initial challenges but drained screentime allotted to plotting. The season began annoyingly, with a player from each tribe instantly voted off. Blood ousted Rupert's wife Laura while the returnees dumped undeserving three-timer Candice. Loved ones had the option to step in for their partners on Redemption Island, an opportunity Rupert gallantly and foolishly took. He lost the first Redemption Challenge and packed his bags, with wallflower Laura drawing dead at the title.

Blood quickly dispatched Tyson's partner Rachel in an effort to target the third-timer. The couple elected to keep her on Redemption instead of subbing Tyson for the reason the Bonehams should have - the partner's chances of winning the game were higher. Returning players won the first four immunities. Their first casualty was Colton the quitter, who received an uncharacteristic lambasting from Jeff Probst on his way out. Villainous Brad Culpepper emerged as Blood's de facto leader before Colton's boyfriend Caleb slit his throat in the best moment of the early game. Blood's only watchable players were Vytas (brother of former champ Aras), Big Brother champion Hayden (boyfriend of Kat) and Ciera, who'd ultimately vote out her challenge beast mother Laura.

A pre-merge swap tossed Vytas overboard behind enemy lines without a parachute, but he was
able to charm his way out of the jam. Three pairs made the merge - Vytas and Aras, Australia champion Tina and her daughter Katie, and Laura and Ciera. An alliance of singles formed, ousting the brothers before Ciera's matricide. Every eliminated player told the goats Tyson would win, but they kept hauling his bags. He found an idol and managed to keep it under wraps before wasting it - then found the replacement and kept it secret too. Hayden was supposed to go to Redemption with six left, but desperately convinced Ciera to break from the bottom of her alliance. She took a huge swing and deadlocked the vote, subjecting herself to a rock draw with Katie and Tyson. Katie lost the draw and lost a Redemption challenge to her mother soon after. Tina upset Laura in the final Redemption Challenge to return to the game, but was immediately eliminated by the core alliance of Gervase, Monica and Tyson.

Every jury member (and their mothers) told Gervase and Monica they were goats, but they stuck with him due to erroneous self-perception and Tyson's willingness to let them choose vote-outs when he didn't have a strong preference. We never found out if Gervase or Monica had the stones to topple Tyson before Final Tribal, as the Utahn won the last two immunities. Monica got one vote, Gervase zero. For a third straight season, an acerbic white male returnee won in dominant fashion.

Survivor Retrospective: Caramoan - Fans vs. Favorites

Rating: 5.5/10

Caramoan left a good taste in your mouth, ending with a unanimous victory by a charismatic, dynamic and deserving competitor. It was one of those Survivor seasons that was more appreciable for the blueprint laid down by its champion than spirited endgame contention between multiple foes. 

Caramoan repeated the fans vs. favorites gimmick that sired an extremely entertaining season in its first iteration. Unfortunately, Caramoan's fan tribe let the season down. Its "Alliance of the Weak" immediately offed two strong women before the team oaf was med-evaced. Then the physically overmatched fans turned on their strategic leader Laura cause she wasn't helping them win challenges. Team tour guide Reynold used his idol unnecessarily, but found it again the next day. 

Meanwhile, undeserving favorite Brandon Hantz went off the deep end and dumped out the tribe's rice and beans, forcing them to forfeit the next challenge to get rid of him. A tribal swap failed to deepen the intrigue, as the favorites wound up with 4-3 advantages on both new tribes and played out their numbers. 

The season's only real strategic drama came in the aftermath of the Merge. Favorites Malcolm and Corinne saw some early writing on the wall and attempted to ally with fans to upend the pecking order. But the favorites sniffed it out and served Corinne a delicious blindside. Then they targeted Malcolm, though it took three episodes of idol shenanigans before the nail was buried in his coffin. He spent $480 on an idol clue at the auction but could not find it to save his life.

Aggressive and scrappy Reynold went next, followed by an epic preemptive blindside of idol-owning Andrea. Brenda gave up a challenge reward with her dad so four others could enjoy it with their loved ones. Then she deliberately lost an immunity challenge to mitigate Dawn's paranoia, but none of that stopped them from slitting her throat with six left. Brenda's tearful execution cleared the path for Cochran, who won Final Immunity and casually iced two hopeless orators at Final Tribal. It was one of the most dominant and satisfying performances in Survivor history.