Survivor 3H Club: Finale

Probst does his usual “get excited for the reunion” bullshit and then they dive into introductions of the remaining players. Dr. Mike and Ben seem to get realistic introductions but then they get to Devon & Ryan. Devon is portrayed as a game-long mastermind and Ryan as a social genius. Hmmm, that feels off the mark to me.

Why does Stupid Alliance keep telling themselves that there’s no way Ben can find another idol? Or that there won’t be another idol out there? All evidence to the contrary. Just another indicator of why this is a weak season.

Mad props to Ben for searching for an idol literally all night. That dude is committed. I’m happy that all the hard work was rewarded with a pre-dawn idol find. And it totally serves the others right too.

The challenge is both for immunity & reward, and the “puzzle” feels like something everyone should be good at, but I guess we’ll see. Ultimately Chrissy wins. Again. And earns a whopping 10 points for the combo immunity/reward. Then Ryan is laughably referred to as Ben’s babysitter and it’s basically the same as calling that goat from Jurassic Park the T-Rex’s babysitter.

To be fair, Chrissy’s old super idol is way better looking than Ben’s legit idol. But it couldn’t be more apparent that they were faking it EVEN if he hadn’t already found the idol! I mean really, if they are all saying that they are 100% gunning for him then why on earth would they flash that shit around in front of him? Ben would have figured that out if he'd needed to. 

Tribal council is another perfectly played moment for Ben, giving Stupid Alliance no reason to feel the impulse to use their brains. And then the jury has a field day right alongside him when he pulls out his boot idol.

Smarty Pants Devon gets props for voting for Dr. Mike and it pays off huge with a big save and also a nice resume-building moment. Dr. Mike, you will not be missed.

Now, for the first time ever if they claim that Ben can’t find an idol it will actually be true. Instead we have to listen to Ryan talk about his game was being ruined by Ben. Dude, you have NO game. That’s not Ben’s fault.

Secret advantage has to be something to do with the jury, right?

Immunity challenge is on! Ben is one upside-down letter away from winning, but he chokes, and what follows is a hilarious montage of letters falling off of everyone’s boards. Chrissy wins. Again.

And the secret advantage turns out not be an advantage at all! It’s basically the producers doing whatever they can to get Ben into the Final Three. Cheap shot & it makes me hates this season even more.

Devon weirdly is excited to suddenly be at risk of going home. Kudos to him for the positive attitude. I guess it can be seen as another resume boost, and if he’s well-spoken I’d be hard pressed not to vote for him at final. But man I’d be pissed at Ryan if I was him because that dude is so incompetent. He does not deserve to be in the Final Three and I’d be furious that he was just given a free ride to get there.

Final Tribal starts off with a congrats to Chrissy on her immunity challenge prowess. You may be one cocky beotch & aren’t nearly as smart as you think you are, but damn if you aren’t a challenge beast.

And now we’re on to the “you gotta earn it” fire challenge. Everyone’s thrilled over there in Fiji, but I’m just steaming on the couch here. Probst looks like he’s commentating in a semi-comatose state, almost as if the outcome is already known. Rigged? Hard to believe that Devon didn’t even have a spark going by the time Ben won…. And seriously, I’d expect Probst to have been way more excited about a tribal council fire challenge.

At Final Tribal, the jury is having a solid conversation about who did what and what makes a person deserving of winning Survivor. Along the way Blog Crush #1 gives some reaffirming statements to everyone while looking like a movie star on a red carpet. And then Blog Crush #2 says “umm, okay, can we move on?” and then probably throws a softball 100 yards into a trash can. I love you both so much!

New jury format is a really successful change to the show. Remember when each jury member was just allowed to ask one question, rather than have a solid debate? Chrissy is working it, and somehow Ben is fading into the shadows. Joe actually calls him out on that, which is awesome sauce. Joe = jury MVP, and may have turned the tide Ben's way.

Ben wins in the end & while I think he's a deserving winner, it feels really cheap. I like the guy, don’t get me wrong, but his game should have had him voted out 4^th. There’s even a section in Wikipedia about that stupid fire challenge.

Next season is Survivor: Ghost Island. According to this page, “Season 36, officially called Survivor: Ghost Island, premiering Feb. 28 on CBS, features 20 new castaways forced to confront old mistakes from seasons past.” New castaways are never as good as all-star seasons, but I will admit that my curiosity is piqued by the theme.

The Teams:

Doug & Bri "Cowboys & Estrogen" - 228 points

• Ben (84 pts)
• Ali (2 pts)
• Chrissy (76 pts)
• Desi (25 pts)
• Ashley (41 pts)

Eric "Two Laurens Don't Make a Right" - 189 points

• Ben (84 pts)
• Lauren (39 pts)
• JP (26 pts)
• Lauren (39 pts)
• Alan (1 pt)

Moon & Melissa "2 Cups of Joe" - 185 points

• Ryan (31 pts)
• Cole (37 pts)
• Joe (38 pts)
• Joe (38 pts)
• Ashley (41 pts)

Phil "Scrub Island Featuring Superscrub Roark" - 166 points

• Mike (37 pts)
• Chrissy (76 pts)
• Roark (2 pts)
• JP (26 pts)
• Desi (25 pts)

Michal & Ben "The Candlestick Makers" - 115 points

• Ryan (31 pts)
• Cole (37 pts)
• Devon (30 pts)
• Jessica (15 pts)
• Roark (2 pts)

Bagdrea "Surfing with Chick Hicks" - 85 points

• Devon (30 pts)
• Mike (37 pts)
• Ali (2 pts)
• Jessica (15 pts)
• Alan (1 pt)

To the Victors Go the Spoils

And this time around that comes in the form of a new trophy! Congrats to Doug & Bri for crushing it all season long with their picks. A well deserved win for the Cowboys, and a solid showing from our n00bs to the pool. If you hadn't each essentially doubled Bag's score, we would have scorned you. 

A note: I didn't include DoW points in this season because 1) I'm lazy, and 2) it woud'nt have mattered anyway. Joe probably would have won it, which would have bumped Cuppa into 2nd place, but no one really cares about that. 

Other Thoughts

Weak season overall imo, but I'm not sure if that's entirely the castaways' faults. I think there may have been some really bad editing/producing decisions made. It seems like there was a lot more scheming that went on than was shown on screen. Maybe I just wasn't picking up on it, but it felt like they spent more time on trivial romances & jokes about urologists than on the players' strategies. I also need more enthusiasm from Probst in any given season. Hopefully he'll get pumped up for next season's theme. After all, he donated all of his snuffers for it. If not, Probst, I think it might be time to move on? I feel terrible for even suggesting it, but an enthusiastic Colby as host would have made this a totally different experience for me. 

Next Season

Share your thoughts on next season! Also I'm going to be out of the country starting in mid-March, so maybe we draft after just 1 episode? 

Survivor 3H Club: Episodes 12 & 13

Note: I think maybe Episode 11 was the 2nd half of episode 10? Otherwise my tracking is somehow off....

Episode 12

Ryan and Chrissy realize that Ben betrayed them and Chrissy loses her shit again. There's definitely a pot/kettle scenario between Ben & Chrissy where they both deride the other for taking things too personally. Meanwhile, Lauren is as cool as a cucumber with her moves, though maybe a little too comfortable with her position.

The new Survivor reward challenge includes loved ones, which means Probst gets to do what he loves most: talk about love, trust, and relationships. Lauren’s sister hugs Probst and #Blindside. Then Chrissy talks about giving up her job & devoting her life to her family and I’m wondering if anyone wants to take a bet on that actually happening?

The reward challenge itself is based entirely on luck if not completed rigged and I got to say that this is a bunch of BS. Chrissy is super predictable in her vindictive selection of loved ones sharing the reward. “Like an assassin” Probst quips as she disses half the castaways. Assassin? Really?

As I’m updating the scores I realize that Eric is in the spreadsheet too. Perhaps eagerly awaiting score updates? Sorry Eric, I’m still an episode behind! But keep on creepin' on, I'll get there eventually.

Meanwhile back at camp Ben is making a fake idol. YES!! I so love it when I get to use our fake idol rules! Lauren aka Blog Crush #2 is playing a professional game, and finds an immunity clue. Love that she called her alliance over when she found the marker. No need to lose trust at this time by trying to grab it before they notice. 

The immunity challenge is the iron cross and Ryan’s boogie to keep his plates up is anti-sexy. Devon’s hula is more attractive, but his decision to lose the challenge is a frustrating swing for the teams already in last place. Can’t you give us even a little hope, Devon?

While Lauren, Devon, and Ashley consider Ben v. Chrissy, Ben tries to make a move by turning folks against Lauren. Chrissy’s immaturity opens the door for Dr. Mike to make a big move and he chooses to... burn half of Lauren’s idol. Huh? How can that ever possibly make sense, especially considering that Dr. Mike essentially has no alliance?

The whole “let’s put everything on the table” infosplosion that happens during this tribal really helps no one. But it makes more sense to me than Lauren handing half an idol to Dr. Mike. I really don’t understand that. When is that ever a good move? This whole storyline of her handing him half an idol so casually that there wasn't even a conversation included with the hand-off, followed by Dr. Mike burning it just straight-up boggles my mind. Anyone want to fill me in on what they think happened here? Is Dr. Mike just straight up pooky dooks? Note: this link may make no sense, but I couldn't find the right one, and at least this was at least from the right movie.

In the end, everyone votes for Ben and he plays the one idol no one actually knew about. Play on, playa. Gnight Lauren, and Blog Crush #2 gets to join Blog Crush #1 among the mass of men’s tank tops that seem to be infecting the jury.

Note: not really sure how to award/dock points for Dr. Mike burning the idol. Lauren got sent home with half an idol in her pocket, but since that’s pretty much useless, I didn’t dock her points.

Episode 13

The episode starts with Ben acting high off his fabulous play at last tribal. He does a pretty good job of coming back to reality and realizing he doesn’t have any alliance to protect him now. They are all-in on the Ben hate train, including Devon making bold claims that he can take Ben down in challenges, which is clearly not backed-up by his poor score in this fantasy pool.

The reward challenge includes 2 strong teams, and then Ryan & Mike who are playing on the JV team. Devon & Chrissy end up winning, but I gotta question the ring toss technique. It was like watching a child at a bowling alley, Devon. 

And speaking of children, Ashley & Dr. Mike both bitch and whine at camp and generally act like sulky brats. Still, neither one is willing to work with Ben, and that’s a tough spot. Being stuck at camp with a couple of babies and not even being able to play the game while there? Not a fun day. Meanwhile, Devon considers a new alliance at a gorgeous resort hotel. #Jealous.  

The immunity challenge results in Chrissy winning. Apparently she’s the only one who can do puzzles.

At tribal I feel like everyone is just being petty. Thank goodness Devon calls out Ben on maybe not playing the idol because that was gonna really bug me. Nice rebuttal from Ben when he insta-plays it. Ashley ends up going home as someone who is clearly the bigger threat compared to Dr. Mike or Ryan. And in keeping with the theme of the episode, she acts like a giant baby on the way out.

This takes me back a few episodes to the moment when Ashley first thinks they should vote out Ben. And they never really explained why that alliance wussed out on that one, because that truly was the moment that they should have gone for it. That was Ashley's chance to determine her own fate & it just didn’t work out. I just wish I knew why. She was a solid player late in the game, and I think the finale will be less exciting with her not there. 

And now there are 5 castaways left and really only one question left – how could Ryan have possibly made it to the final 5 and only earned 6 points!??! I have never seen such a pathetic performance in Survivor history!! Devon is only barely doing better at 12 points. Seriously, this is a weak point-earning field outside of Chrissy’s puzzle prowess and Ben’s idol-hunting instincts.

What can we expect next week? Well, there's a good chance that Ben will be underestimated again & he'll find an idol. Again. Everyone will want to take Ryan & Dr. Mike to the Final 3 unless they're stupid. Those guys have no chance of winning and are huge disappointments. The bring down the good name of geeky but good-hearted contestants a la Cochran & David. Chrissy is going to be unbearably cocky since she's been gunning for Ashley and probably will somehow take the credit for what happened at last tribal. And Devon will think he's all that + a bag of chips, but I certainly wouldn't vote for him over Ben & I'm not sure these guys can take him out.  Should be fun!!

The Teams:

Moon & Melissa "2 Cups of Joe" - 160 points

• Ryan (6 pts)
• Cole (37 pts)
• Joe (38 pts)
• Joe (38 pts)
• Ashley (41 pts)

Eric "Two Laurens Don't Make a Right" - 149 points

• Ben (44 pts)
• Lauren (39 pts)
• JP (26 pts)
• Lauren (39 pts)
• Alan (1 pt)

Doug & Bri "Cowboys & Estrogen" - 142 points

• Ben (44 pts)
• Ali (2 pts)
• Chrissy (30 pts)
• Desi (25 pts)
• Ashley (41 pts)

Phil "Scrub Island Featuring Superscrub Roark" - 103 points

• Mike (20 pts)
• Chrissy (30 pts)
• Roark (2 pts)
• JP (26 pts)
• Desi (25 pts)

Michal & Ben "The Candlestick Makers" - 72 points

• Ryan (6 pts)
• Cole (37 pts)
• Devon (12 pts)
• Jessica (15 pts)
• Roark (2 pts)

Bagdrea "Surfing with Chick Hicks" - 50points

• Devon (12 pts)
• Mike (20 pts)
• Ali (2 pts)
• Jessica (15 pts)
• Alan (1 pt)

Power Rankings:

1. Cowboys: this one is Doug & Bri's to lose. I just don't see how it could happen unless Ryan turns out to be a brilliant orator and sweeps the vote at final tribal. Unlikely.
   
2. Cuppa: I mean I guess it could happen....? At least this time has any chance to win, unlike Candlesticks, Chick hicks & 2 Laurens who literally can't beat them.
   
3. Scrub Island: a Dr. Mike vote sweep would also do the trick I think...
   
4. 2 Laurens: Good run Eric, a solid performance from both the n00b teams, both in competing in the pool as well as in comments & commitment. I don't know that I loved having each castaway get drafted twice, but I did like the new blood that got added this season.
   
5. Candlesticks: Such a disappointing season for the reigning champs. With 2 players left this late in the game we should still be in competition. But this group of under-performers proves that there's more to the pool than picking castaways that will go deep in the game. They actually have to do stuff too. And that stuff can't be eating the entire tribe's food, damnit Cole!
   
6. Chick Hicks: Fortunately Bag is here to save us from making the next addition to the trophy. Bag, do not mess this up. 

DoW:

Chrissy for me on both episodes. So infuriating, especially when she tells her own alliance that she might just change her vote at the last minute at tribal council & seems to assume they'll be okay with that. What is wrong with you woman!?

Survivor 3H Club: Episodes 9 & 10

Well Bob, it’s mid-season Survivor and predictably it’s the mid-season slump for the Survivor Blog. 

Bob, you couldn’t be more right. The Survivor Blog slump is as surprising as getting turkey on Thanksgiving dinner.

We're not even getting a post for Episode 8 because we're so far behind; we're moving right along to Episodes 9 & 10. It’s disappointing to see such potential go to waste, but we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a strong comeback late season. 

Bob, I think the explanation for the blog drought is easily explained. It’s the holiday season, the Candlestick Makers are pretty much done for the season, and a good chunk of their players are gone. And then Desi, their Blog Crush, gets the boot? I’m surprised they showed up at all.

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Bob. And with that kind of insight, let’s return to the action.

Well Bob, Episode 9 includes a reward challenge that proves Joe has some moves on the basketball court. While Cole continues to show his prowess around a dinner table, and Ryan shows his true colors as a chatty Cathy.

Lauren wins immunity, and we might just be seeing a new Blog Crush developing.

Cole’s record of losing almost no challenges seems to be the theme of this episode. Also, maybe it’s the long absence from watching this show, but do all the contestants suddenly look totally emaciated?

Bob, you couldn’t be more right if you tried. But your yabbering has distracted me from my play-by-play. Damnit Bob!

Well Bob, you didn’t miss much because the scheming on this season is as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, am I right?

Long pause.

Moving on, Ben is starting to be identified as a dictator and mention of the Round Table is starting to get old. Tribal Council begins and Devon’s jaw literally drops as he realizes how freaking hot Desi is as she enters as the first jury member.

Bob, I couldn’t be more sick of mentions of the Round Table. Comparisons between an age of chivalry and the game of Survivor are about as misguided as Ben Greenberg trying to navigate his way to Thornton without Google Maps.

Episode 9 includes Dr. Mike waxing poetic about building a society and he also needlessly plays an immunity idol for himself. Cole is gone, which reminds me that we need to let everyone know that there was a major point change when we realized that Cole’s Crush did NOT make the jury and caused a major point swing from the last time this blog was published.

And now on to Episode 10…

Thanks, Bob. Episode 10 starts with the vilification of Dr. Mike, and a foot-fetishist’s dream reward challenge. The castaways play footsie with a rope while we cringe at imagined foot cramps and then Lauren takes the prize (+4). She then invites Devon (+1) and Ben (+1) and Ashley (+1) along for the ride.

Good Lord, is this a 2 hour episode??

Yes Bob, that’s right. Did you only just realize that? Not too bright, are you?

Fuck you Bob.

Anyway… Ryan is deliriously claiming that he and Chrissy are better strategists than everyone else because they are gaming 2 people ahead of the Top 7. Meanwhile, Lauren is using the reward challenge to build a strong Final 4 and probably picking up on the blog's subtle Friends reference as well. Clearly the New Blog Crush is, well, crushing it.

Hold the phone, people! Ben just found an idol!!

Meh. I think he was more excited about that Outback ribeye.

Bob, is it just me or are they overdoing these endurance immunity challenges?

Right you are Kenny… I mean Bob. Watching these castaways torture their bodies in various ways is just not that entertaining in my book.

Also the chocolate that’s meant to lure them away from the challenge looks pretty cheap and unappealing.

Devon, Ben, and Lauren opt out the challenge (-1 each) and I can’t help but think that Joe and Mike might resent that they can’t sit out this challenge but are expected to join the lazy asses that did in a newfound alliance. Ashley ends up winning and Ryan misses the obvious sign that a new alliance has formed when he bitches about the folks who chose to sit out the challenge.

Well, Bob, I’m enjoying watching Devon making some moves here, but I’m also vomiting into the trash can next to me as these fucking King Arthur analogies continue.

It’s a fun strategy that they’re concocting… but let’s pause for a moment to watch that beautiful jury walk into tribal council…mmmm….

As attractive as that jury is, Bob, I’m surprised that they can stand the odor of smugness emanating from the remaining castaways. It’s fun though to watch them out-smug each other without realizing what that smugness means.

Bananas!! Bob, what is this super-smug alliance thinking? Why on earth would you vote out JP before Ryan with his idol??

You got me there, Bob. When they dropped JP’s name earlier in this episode, I thought they were joking!

Totally worth it though, since Chrissy’s completely tactless response to the blindside was pretty priceless.

And we do need to give credit to Ben for working his Secret Spy role. At least for now. That’ll probably last only a little while.

Moving on, it’s another reward challenge, 4 v 4 and showers are on the table.

Bob, if I were on Survivor, this would be the challenge I’d go all out for. Getting a shower, and feeling like a real human being again, is a reward that I think is often underrated.

The Blue Team has a clear strength advantage in the reward challenge, but big shout-out to Lauren for best use of boobs in a challenge in Survivor history.

Bob, I honestly love watching Spy Ben. He’s crazy good at this!!

So true, Bob. So true. Watching Spy Ben is a enjoyable as watching Chrissy & Ryan scramble is detestable.

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Bob.

And now we’re on to the immunity challenge, and Bob I’m just tickled that they are all pushing wheelbarrows around an obstacle course!

You said it, Bob. It’s a crew of starving gardeners out there.

In the end it’s Chrissy who’s best at the word puzzle and it’s looking like Ryan’s fate is sealed here.

But wait, Bob, now they are throwing Joe’s name out there!

Seems to me like Devon is overplaying this one, Bob.

Hate to disagree with you, Bob, but it feels more like they are all finally playing the game. There’s levels of scheming happening now that we’ve been waiting for all season long.  Seems like the smart players maybe were doing exactly what they should have early, which was lay low. And now they’ve cut the chaff and are really getting into it.

Hold it right there, Bob, because that gorgeous jury is on screen again!

Do you think that Desi is bored to tears being stuck with JP and Cole?

She’s probably tuning out whenever either of them speak and imagining whatever beautiful man she has waiting for her back home.

Let’s get back to the castaways that are actually still in the game, Bob. It would have been nice to imagine that Devon set Ben up as the Spy with the intention of back-stabbing him in the first place. But it appears that never crossed his mind. Kudos to Ashley for seeing it.

Yeah. It if was me and someone suggested I play the Spy I would decline that offer immediately. That inevitably ends badly. You either do a crappy job and ruin everyone’s scheme. Or you do a great job and suddenly your own alliance doesn’t trust you.

Ultimately it looks like Ashley’s bold plan was too bold for her alliance and Ben lives to see another day.

That’s right, Bob, and now the stage is set with some real heavy hitters left in the game.

Do you have any favorites?

Well, it would look foolish to make any claims now when everyone else reading this has probably seen the next episode.

Right you are buddy. Right you are.

The Teams:

• Two Cups of Joe (MoonBee): 136 points
• Two Laurens Don't Make a Right (Eric & Andi): 92 points
• Scrub Island Featuring Superscrub Roark (Phil & Kelly): 90 points
• Cowboys and Estrogen (Doug & Bri): 89 points
• The Candlestick Makers (Michal & Ben): 68 points
• Surfing with Chick Hicks (Bagdrea): 47 points

Power Rankings:

1. Cowboys
2. Laurens
3. 2 Cuppa
4. Scrub Island
5. Candlesticks
6. Surfing

DoW:

I got nothing. Totally overwhelmed by too much Survivor. But feel free to submit your picks & include the episode you want them to count for!